Big deep breath.....in and out. Uuugh. It's been one hell of a few last months. I've sat down to blog many times and kept feeling so overwhelmed with 'things', things I want to blog about, things I wonder if I 'should' or 'should not' blog about. Do people want to read my randomness, do they really want to read the bad times along with the good? Well, I've figured that this is what's real, right!? Every day isn't sunshine and rainbows or we wouldn't have been brought together in this journey, right!?
Let me start by celebrating my ONE YEAR anniversary of being out of treatment!!!!! YAY! My husband came home from work Friday morning, Aug 24th with a card and gift and I was so confused. I thought maybe he was pepping me up because I was moving my kiddo to college that day. But as I read the card I was so moved to realize that he was congratulating me on my one year anniversary!!!! I've always wondered what to mark as
'cancer-versaries' lol. Strange I know but you may totally get it. Is my diagnosis date an anniversary? What about my surgery? How about my end of chemo? We all may choose different moments, but for me I've decided to celebrate and acknowledge mostly my 'end of treatment' as one of my major cancer-versaries. I know from that date forward I was, as cancer free as possible by completing all the treatments appropriate at that time. So here I am, one year cancer free. That actually feels weird to say. Exciting, scary, confusing. But I am so grateful and appreciative of every day.
Now from there I have to acknowledge my extreme mixed emotions about my continued care. I have an amazing team and I am truly grateful to them for the care I was given and continue to receive! Believe me, in no way, am I taking it for granted. I do however get overwhelmed by the amount of appointments & check-ups, scans & lab work, I continue to have. I am not on the same typical course of surveillance that any of the girls in my support group are currently on. I am being monitored super closely and there isn't a huge reason as to why. Yes I am a triple negative but even so, the amount of surveillance is drastic compared to others. I have 2 doctors continuing to follow me from a cancer perspective every 3 months and 2 others stepping it up (because I had cancer) who are now wanting to follow me every 6 months for regular
checkups. Geesh, it's a lot. I sat down and put it all on the calendar and I have a test or check up 8 months out of a year. This can play with my emotions. So many times I just want to move on, forget just for a minute that the cancer is so real and needing such close surveillance BUT then I remind myself how lucky I am to have so many eyes on me and IF the cancer comes back, it will be caught quickly. So that's a huge plus and I know it. It's just that damn mental part that I have to battle and keep in check.
Okay, so that's me lately in a nutshell from the cancer aspect. All check-ups, labs and CTs have been good. My white cells still struggle, but I'm doing well with not getting sick and keeping germs at bay. My last CT showed some new spots on my lung but my radiation oncologist assures me it is inflammation from radiation and the previous spots on my lung were clearing up! YAY YAY YAY!
On the more social aspect, we had our July W.A.Y.S. event and it was fantastic! We made essential oil treats and honestly, just the time spent with these amazing ladies who I see as true friends and family, makes my heart so very happy! I cherish those times so much! I cannot wait until our October event, learning meditation techniques!
These ladies show me a love, understanding and strength that I can only hope to learn and grow from. I admire them all. Some continue to have uphill battles, and they share with us their hopes, fears and smiles. They let us be part of their journey, let us be there for them, which in turn teaches us so much.
My family life is really where the tests have truly been in the last few months. Believe it or not.
We have the strongest family I could have ever hoped for. I kept saying after enduring last year, that for 2018, I wanted calm and boring. No craziness. Just boring. Ha! The joke was on me. My 'stuff' seemed to be calming down. I was out of treatment. My check-ups, scans, etc were all in the clear.
Then BAM! January comes and my aunt passes away. Uuugh. She was so amazing. Such a strong piece of who the Trejo family was...IS. Damn it, I love you and wish I had spent more time with you! In February, our beautiful sweet boxer Chavez, suddenly passed away. Uuuuugh. He was only 7. It was very unexpected! My feet are suddenly cold at night since I no longer have someone laying on them and stealing my covers and pushing me off the bed! Plus, Chavi boy, you were my chemo partner, you kept me company while I laid on the couch, sick and scared. You were my comfort. You still are buddy boy! I miss you so much!
March came and went. Nice. Boring. Just as I had hoped. We had a lot of healing still to do.
April....damn you April. We were almost through the month. We celebrated my mamas birthday a bit late on Saturday April 21st. Lunch. It was great to say the least! My brother, best sister friend, nephew and niece. We laughed at the 'interesting' food that came our way lol--especially the chicken feet--and my nephew showing us his 'beer belly' before we left. What a fun day!
Sunday, April 22nd....our worlds instantly changed. Not in the
"I-was-diagnosed-with-cancer-changed" but in the
I solemnly prayed to God and all my angels above, as I drove to the hospital, screaming, yelling, begging to wrap their arms around him and protect him. Keep him alive, keep him safe. Save him. I would give anything--everything--to save him. Please God just save him!
My nephew was involved in a major motorcycle accident. We will never know the details. We will never know why. All we know is there was an accident. He was beyond critical. And as that social worker did the job she was trained to do and prepared my brother and my best sister friend for the worst I grabbed my sister-in-law, my best sister friend, and I said 'That is the human word. This is between God and Raymond. No one but them can determine this outcome'. She looked at me and said you are right. My brother marched into that ER and said NO, you don't know my son. He is strong!
And today I watched him stand. I listened to him laugh. He still has a very, very, very long road ahead of him, but as the cards were stacked against him, he said HELL NO! I'm coming back, better and stronger, than ever!
My nephew, my brother, my best friend have all reinforced why and what I want to be to those in need. To those finding themselves in a time and situation that they never imagined! I just want to see you smile, flourish, be in this moment and time!
I love you all. I want peace for you all as much as I continue to need it for myself. I want us all to work together as a family to provide this for one another.
And now....its nearly September. 5 months after the accident, 9 months of this year gone. Holy $#!t! But I'll take it. What a year it's been and I've learned..... no expectations, one day at a time. Live in gratitude....gratitude for today!
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Ray, my amazing nephew! You've got this kid!