As we proceed. Its OVER! The cancer is gone! Celebrate. Congratulate. Party on people!
Ha! Wait a minute, thats not quite how is goes. Guess the joke was on me!
Treatment ends, surgery is over (for now) and I'm suppose to just get on with life. Oh, but first go get my monthly labs done. Then go to my monthly follow up. Now its time for my annual CT. Shit! So there is something on my lung? Okay, let's do that PET Scan. Phew! Lung just has "radiation damage" but hey that is definitely manageable. Come again? Something's on my ovary AND my kidney? Let me take a stab at this one—another team of doctors? Cool. I need some new people in my life. What's up doc? Let's break this down again, so it's nothing with my kidneys? But my ovary isn't quite out of the woods? Ooooh, that's just a cyst—buuuuut let's check it again in 3 months. Deep breath. What the literal F?!?!
So yeah, what exactly is getting on with normal life when you have these constant reminders?! But we manage, right? Or we try. The worry comes and goes for me. I jumped another hurdle recently in getting the clear on the ovary. But damn. I just want the doctor appointments, the checkups, the tests—all of it—to be over. But apparently, this is my new normal. And if they weren't watching me so closely I'd probably be pissed! That's what my hubby thinks too every day—he doesn't say it but I know he's thinking it. So, I will live with the fact that my cancer type is aggressive. The chance for a recurrent distant cancer in 3 to 5 years is very high. But hey year one is quickly approaching. Imma go ahead and check that box ;)
Getting on with my day-to-day helps. Becoming mom again, wife again, friend again—makes my heart and life full. But there is always going to be this thing that lingers. As cancer fighters and survivors, we try to manage it. We try to live with it. We try to move on. But our new normal will now always include this. This thing that didn't ask our permission to invade our lives, thoughts and minds. Choosing how to handle that doesn't come easy. I think on most days I have a handle on it but on others sometimes it has a handle on me.
Ever since the day I was diagnosed I had this burning feeling that I was suppose to do something with this. Maybe it was a little spark. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time but I felt like this happened for a much greater reason. I guess that's all I needed. For me, this was reaching out to others. Boom! Spark just became my fire within. Trying my damnedest to make a difference. In any way, BIG or small. This is what has driven me through this journey that I have chosen to take control of. It's MY choice now. Not the cancer's! F you cancer! No matter what you did to me or try to plan for my future, I have control over THIS outcome!
I am learning a lot more and putting a face to this outreach of ours. I have some amazing supporters and contacts that are eager for me and this part of my journey. So THIS, this is my new normal. I'm going to embrace it. All of it. The good, the bad. The failures, the achievements. I am ready! Let's do this =)